Internet Dating: Friend or Foe?

The movie "You've Got Mail" is a story of two real-life enemies becoming intimate online. Kathleen Kelly owns a small bookstore, and Joe Fox builds a large competitor across the street. Kathleen hates Joe, and everything he represents. What she doesn't know, is she's actually falling in love with him online, through e-mail exchanges of a "mystery friend."

"Oh mystery man, you're so nice, unlike that jerk Joe!"

"You've Got Mail" is exploring the idea that Joseph Walter proposed in 1992: we can find intimacy through "Computer-Mediated Communication (CMC)." This idea is now known as Social Information Processing Theory (SIPT) , and suggests that despite taking more time than face-to-face contact, can create just as much, if not more intimacy.

While the movie is cute, and the theory sounds great, I have to say that I disagree with the idea of CMC creating good intimacy. My argument is two-fold: good intimacy requires physical contact, and the transition phase from CMC to face-to-face is not seemless. 

Humans have a need to be touched. The hormone oxytocin isn't called "the love hormone" for nothing. While CMC may allow for people to make a good impression on each other through selective messaging, and create feelings of similarity with the receiver, no amount of mental connection will ever trump the connection felt from being hugged, and held, and caressed. Intimacy needs more than an idea or construct of another - it needs interaction with another.

We need physical intimacy.

The other major problem with SIPT is its suggestion of CMC buffering to allow for a smoother transition into face-to-face contact. Supposedly, this comes from removing initial uncertainties and breaking the awkward phase. This is almost never the case. The problem stems from the ability to be selective through CMC, forcing a construct in each user's head, only to meet and find out that half of what they thought was the case, is just wrong. Not only is this awkward, but it's more awkward than the initial meeting would have been without the CMC buffering. 

 What he seems like. 

    What he's actually like.

It is from these two contentions that I believe online relationships are not just as intimate as face-to-face relationships. Even though social media and the internet have become such a pervasive part of our lives, nothing will ever replace good ol' face-to-face contact and communication.